syncretik

vent

2009-12-09T05:37:39Z

[i only half mean this]

a lot of people are "haters". not the dramatic ones...but the people who don't understand you, so they think there must be something wrong with you...they don't understand that everyone has her/his own concept of "success" and what that means...you're doing something they can't/wouldn't do so they don't think you will succeed at it because they don't think they will...a lot of times this "hate" is unintentional, and a lot of times this unintentional hate shows up in the form of judgment, unsolicited advice, or gossip.

and the reason i call it "hate" is because these people either consciously don't want you to succeed at whatever your endeavor may be, or they don't believe you can so rather than encourage you to follow your path to self-fulfillment, they discourage you and urge you to follow a path to "stability" which in fact is something that does not actually exist. what makes it maddening is that often these people are either giving you advice that they themselves don't follow, or telling you to do what they would do, even though these very same people are unhappy with where their life choices have led them.

the "judge not, least ye be judged" thing is true...when you start feeling like you're in the position to tell another person what he/she needs to do...you put on display all the less than ideal things going on in YOUR life...

it's like how people always say, never ask a single person for relationship advice...cuz you will end up single, just like them. never listen to the counsel of someone who is unhappy with him/herself. all they can give you are recipes for unhappiness.

some people are just outright haters. you can't even smile in front of them, cuz they wanna know "what you got to smile about?"
somehow, every time you make an accomplishment, rather than congratulate you, they criticize you. nothing you have achieved was by your own merit, but because you're "lucky".

if you got somethin they ain't got, they try to down it. whether that "thing" is something tangible like a car, or a pair of shoes, or something intangible like knowledge, a relationship, beauty, or self-esteem. yes you are absolutely right, i do "think i'm cute/smart/something", maybe you should act like you think you are too so you can get off my fucking NUTS.

these are the people that delight in your setbacks...they feel relieved when you fail because it makes them feel better about the fact that they've failed.

the same people bored with the complacency of their own lives get mad when someone comes along who is different from what they're used to...cuz they don't understand how someone else dared to be different, when they didn't.

now am i saying everybody, or even most ppl are like this? not at all...but there are enough...some of them are people you love and even people who think they love you...

i used to never understand when people said their haters just made them more motivated.

i won't go that far...but i will say i get where kanye got his ego from. when you have goals for yourself, you have to be driven & you can't get caught up in other people's doubts.

i have a lot of dreams. i may not accomplish them all but i will definitely have attempted to, wholeheartedly.

inner strength is a muscle, mine is getting a workout.

i'm on some new shit.

awwww

2009-11-29T04:29:17Z

i'm so proud of mamy, & take back the land

http://www.elmundo.es/america/2009/11/25/estados_unidos/1259166725.html

intersting demographics about my 'hood' LOL

2009-10-20T13:57:49Z

Demographics

The City of Chamblee is 2,009 acres or 3.5 square miles. According to the 2000 U.S. Census, Chamblee is now comprised of:

9,552 people of which
56% are Latino
24% are White

*this is really funny to me...perhaps because i live on the edge of chamblee by dunwoody...i very rarely see latinos...most of the people i see out and about are white or black. i see asians at the post office and at the bookstore.
14% are Asian
3% are African American
2% are Two or more races
1% are other Ethnic Minorities

Approximately 12 different Asian/Pacific countries and 18 Latin countries are represented within the City with almost 30 varied languages and dialects spoken as a first language. Census tract 212.04, home to 54% of the total population of the city, is 90% ethnic minority. Latinos and Southeast Asians are the largest ethnic groups within the City.

Chamblee is a youthful city with the median age being 28. Average household incomes in 1990 were $46,638 and rising with more than 10% of the households having incomes that exceed $100,000.

all over the place

2009-10-08T20:01:26Z

there's a lot of shit i wanna do in my life. the only reason this is problematic is because i want to do a lot of it while i'm young.

i'm so pursuing either a master's or PhD in Africana studies of some sort and i am so researching black people in the south. i feel like linguistics really intrigue me and i would love to put that in the mix but what is really holding my interest at this very moment is class in african-american families...particularly level of education reached & whether or not land was owned, and how class was transferred from generation to generation.

i look at people like my friend...his family was like DIRT broke when he was coming up...his parents migrated up north from the south and they may or may not have graduated from high school. BUT his maternal grandmother was college educated. and now he has a couple degrees and i believe he is only a tax bracket below my mother.

it's really interesting too when you add in segregation and the fact that black ppl wanting to go to college in the south had hbcus that were close by but up north it would have been a big deal to go south or go to one of the few hbcus up north.

i'm also fascinated by black popular culture in the south

is this atlanta or seattle?

2009-09-21T20:23:59Z

when it rains it pours...

*smh*

my drive to campus today was not quite harrowing...but it was close. i do not look forward to driving back home at 8pm...however that is preferable to class being cancelled and having to drive back during rush hour. you take the good with the bad i guess.

i believe i am about to tell this woman in my class that i'm not going to be able to pick her up from class...b/c she is annoying me. i'm lookin at her like lady i don't owe you shit, wtf. she wants me to park in a certain area so SHE won't have to walk as far to MY car...i understand you're pregnant but i don't park far away and if you like you can wait and i will drive to you but wtf lady i don't owe you shit.
then...for me to drop her off at her house and then come back to my house...is 20-30 minutes of extra driving for me b/c she lives out the way. only 2 exits out the way, but nonetheless...OUT THE WAY. we have 2 classes together that she wants a ride home from...i told her $5/week. because wtf lady i don't owe you shit. she asks me can it be $5 for every 3x instead of every 2. i was like based on how i calculated things, every 2 would be fair. she waves her hand dismissing me "ok i don't want money to be a problem."

sooo i am going to give it tonight and thursday and honestly i'm not gonna annoy myself about it cuz it's not like i'm tryna make ANY type of profit off her at all, i JUST want enough to cover the gas b/c wtf why should she be getting free rides when i don't know her, and she can afford to pay me gas money?

maybe that makes me a bitch but i WILL be that.

and i loooove it

2009-09-20T20:09:55Z

hyper posting

2009-09-15T17:32:07Z

good things: i'm working tomorrow and thursday. so i'll have a few more dollars.

i hate pms. i feel like crying right now.

i cannot find one of my folders for class and i feel like cutting somebody.

a_f_r_i_k_a_n_a @ 2009-09-14T02:31:00

2009-09-14T06:31:29Z

last night at the obama rally

2008-10-22T16:50:37Z

we weren't trying to get in, we just wanted to be a part of the hypeness.

there is a haitian ra ra* band, Ra Ra Lakay (house of Ra ra?) that plays on the corner of my street every Friday, and they have a big party beginning in front of the Haitian flag.

The past 2 times it has been at least 100 people on my tiny ass street following around the parade, dancing, waving haitian flags--it's like being with the Haitian crew in the west indian day parade.

Well last night, Ra Ra Lakay was at the Obama rally, and I saw a whole bunch of my neighbors, and it eventually became a procession. That shit was amazing. It was such a spiritual, pan-african experience. but EVERYBODY was involved. The part that made it crazy to me, was that it was centered around ONE PERSON. true it's what that person represents, but for 2 hours, everything that came out of my mouth was "Obama" or "Obama Pweziden"...it was sooooo hype! I called Violeta and Chassidy and put them on speaker phone, just so they could hear it. It was just like the west indian day parade, except that added fervor of having something you *really* hope will happen be on the horizon of possibility. We went out onto Biscayne and blocked soooo much traffic. the fire trucks were honking along to the beat, as were all the cars. People were letting down their windows and cheering and screaming. i was dancing, everybody was dancing. everyone was jumping. it was so crazy. and everyone was saying "obama" the haitian way. " oh bah mah, stressing EVERY syllable...not the american oh bah muh.

i took pics from my cell phone. i had brought my camera, but forgotten the memory card :-/

it reminded me of two movies.

1) the scene in malcolm x where they are walking down the street in harlem and malcolm gets them all to quiet down and turn around with a point of his finger, and the white police officer says: that's too much power for one man to have.

2) in sarafina when the students are marching and they are jumping and marching. and they are carring their signs through the sand and they are like "ayi ayi ayi!" ah, ah ah!" or something (whatever, i don't know how to write it) and they are raising their legs so high that their kneecaps are hitting them in their stomachs as they jump. and they are so hype.

and the the "boers" come in in their tanks and shut it all down.

i wonder if we are about to get shut down.

he is 10% ahead on the polls. hm.

*ra ra is a type of haitian music that is played with all handmade instruments, and is the most overtly african of haitian music, it's traditional, and is spiritual. if anyone has a better explanation feel free to correct, but that is my understanding.

would love to hear you guys' thoughts on the following...

2008-10-19T06:21:00Z

my friend, this white girl from NC i befriended in Chile...wrote this note on her FB.

in case you don't feel like reading, she basically was like "why is race such a big deal, all it does is divide us. nobody trips over people's eye colors' being different."

I was reading this shit getting so annoyed. knowing full well i was going to write a reply, while also completely not feeling the energy to give a real sharp response.

Race in the United States
So.

We are at an unprecedented moment in the short-lived history of the United States, where a guy with dark skin could become the president. Who cares that he is fairly young, very eloquent, has an interesting, worldly background and upbringing? He's black. That's the number one thing we know about Obama. That, and his middle name is Hussein. And I have to ask myself, why does that matter? I know that in the historical context of the United States and the world, a black man becoming president is huge. I'm not belittling that. What I'm trying to point out is our incessant need to focus on people's skin color.

It always seemed strange to me when I was younger that we had to put our "race" on the standardized tests. They had the little bubbles for white (non-hispanic), hispanic, asian, african american, native american/pacific islander, and probably some others. Kids aren't born racist; they are raised to be that way. Kids don't even notice race. But if you make them distinguish and define themselves by it every time they have to fill out a form, you can be sure it's going to start influencing their thinking. Am I different because I am white? Or black? Or native american? Why do they need this information? These seemingly unimportant moments aren't going to turn anyone into a white or black or native american supremacist, but they do start to make you at least take note of other people's skin tones.

It seems strange that in such a diverse country, with people literally from all over the world, we still insist that our children learn to define themselves by something so trivial as their color. People would scoff at the idea of writing your hair or eye color on anything other than your driver's license, and if we had to, I can guarantee you we would start separating ourselves based on those criteria as well. Play it out in your mind. We constantly enforce the race divide. There are polls that show who blacks are voting for and who whites are voting for. What issues matter to blacks and what issues matter to whites. If we could drop the constant race-based rhetoric in our every day life, we might actually be able to do something about the deep-rooted problem of racism.

I guess my point is, I'm really stoked that we've finally come to a point where at least over 50% of the nation can get behind someone without letting his race, whatever it may be, cloud their judgment. My question is, why are we still even focused on that?

yah. so i wrote a long ass reply. in which i basically said she was exhibiting white privilege. and that in the case of most black people i know, obama's race is a big reason why we are excited to vote for him. and i said some other shit about how you have to remember the history of why skin color ever mattered anyway. there was so much to say. i didn't say it all. perhaps i'll have a more thoughtful reply at a later date.

obamaness

2008-10-16T04:31:56Z

ok so i do hope/believe that obama is secretly a pretty radical (at least in the context of our electoral politics) person. and that he is toting the line & even lying until he gets in the white house, at which point he will at least try to implement some fundamentally different, socially just, leftist, internationally-friendly policies.

but apart from my unlikely hope...

i understand that he is a politician, and that electoral politics is not really the vehicle to drive radical change. i understand he is using the tactics all politicians use, that we hate. that he has spent a ridiculous amount of money on his campaign, an amount higher than many nations' GDPs...

and, a lot of leftists/grassroots people do really back Obama...

but there are a few people whose politics are so pure that they see him as just another politician, from a party that manipulates and condescends towards the people who make up its base.

and i respect that.

but check it. this nigga is black (nuanced, but nevertheless)...and more importantly, his wife is REALLY black and so are his daughters.

i'm black...

when my parents were my age, and even older...a lot of Black people could not even vote in an election. not my grandparents. MY PARENTS. so please understand the significance of me being able to vote for Black person as a mainstream candidate to actually be in the white house. and he's not just some random black guy. he actually has really convinced me and moved me to vote for him, when i haven't yet voted for one of the main 2 party candidates in a presidential election.

i am fucking happy, and i'm scared, i'm nervous, anxious, and i'm proud...

respect that shit.

he's not cynthia mckinney, he's not ralph nader or ron paul...but barack, michelle, sasha & whatever the other one's name is in the white house would be some radical shit.

and truthfully i think his presidency, or even his candidacy, opens the door for further radical candidates to make it--based on their politics rather than their color, gender, ethnicity, or religion--you have to have a door-opener. if you really want to see a real change in the status quo of U.S. presidents, you have to start somewhere. and for me, this is a really good start. even if he ends up being the most inconsequential or unsuccessful president ever (which i think would be a difficult feat to master in the wake of GWB but anything's possible), it still opens the door a lot farther than a McCain presidency would, which is what you're contributing towards if you don't vote for Barack. Because i do earnestly believe that a McCain administration would put this country in COMPLETE and utter disarray, completely obliterate any semblance of working class, or middle class, while exacerbating poverty and more greatly concentrating wealth and that life in the U.S. will be on some crazy ignorant shit, to the point where the 2012 election would be completely stolen and we'd have another republican administration and the mirage of freedom we have would further deteriorate, and it definitely would not be on some shit where the american people would be so fed up that we would finally vote in some real awesome progressive candidate; because our system would be so thoroughly corrupt that it wouldn't happen.

but maybe i'm paranoid.

i would never tell someone how to vote because theoretically, popular elections are something i really value (although you know all the practical reasons why the shit is fucked up)...but i just want all my leftist, radical, activist friends to be logical in their assessments and conversations.

furthermore...a lot of these radicals...still have shit fucked up. they will be so articulate and have the best analysis of race, class, and gender...and still be racist, sexist, and elitist. and i'm not just speaking of white leftists, i mean all of them. and the only difference is that instead of entrenching the same inequality in mainstream society, they entrench inequality and privilege in the world of activism and "social justice".

really undecided

2008-10-15T17:59:00Z

i want to cut my hair but...
it is going to be $45...which if ima spend i would rather spend on clothes or shoes. especially since i bought new hairstyling tools. having long hair is starting to really get on my fucking nerves but...i usually cut my hair myself anyway, this time doesn't have to be different. yeah...i think i'm just gonna do it myself and ask amanda to help.

i dunno, i'm torn.

getting a puppy was the last thing i needed to do. i still fantasize about taking him to the pound (sad but true). so anyway that's why my finances are in disarray. i'm waiting til i get my check tomorrow so i can use that to pay for his shots...i just emailed my cousin to briefly ask if she could spare any of the money.

interim goals

2008-10-15T16:42:42Z

the rest of today i will:

call my health insurance to figure out what health systems are covered.
wash at least 2 loads of clothing
clean my floor
sweep (mop???)
put my clothes up.

get my hair done? or do my hair? while reading harry potter?
i want to get my hair and nails done (just a manicure, i'm not into fake nails)...and manicures are really cheap...but my hair getting taken care of is going to make me feel better, i think.

car insurance...sigh...

write 2 cover letters, so i can finish applying to 2 jobs

walk the puppy

watch the debates

map out the day so i wake up tomorrow with motivation

i am looking for temp/temp-to-hire work: clerical, administrative, customer service, etc...pray for me...

i dunno what i am listening to but i like it...

2008-10-04T06:10:43Z

i feel so sad/wack. i need to crack open that wine bottle. i'm seriously about to cry. i feel so much tension. i guess i have problems dealing with reality. no, i know i do. i should not have taken this puppy...i'm SO tempted to take it to the humane society but then i'm like ice...it's only been a day...i used to be so uncaring and be like "they're just dogs"...now...i'm too soft. i hate to hear him cry...especially if all that means is that i let him roam around my room and i have to clean up dog pee on floors that are perfect for dog-pee-cleaning-up.

good puppies are tired puppies...i'ma wake up early-ish and take this fucker for a walk and play more...i'm about to get this wine popping off.

i think my puppy can tell i'm stressed out. he be lookin all sad with the puppy dog eyes like please love me...i didn't choose to be here...i guess i gotta make my peace...my room is going to smell like "dog" until further notice. and so will my clothes. sad. everytime i move, he moves. honestly a month from now shit should be better. this is just rough. preparation for motherhood, should that ever be my future...

i feel so sad. like, hollow.

omg

2008-10-03T13:54:11Z

wow. the lack of sleep i've had is amazing. yet i function. i am regretting this puppy.

ok
so i caught part of the debate on my drive back to miami last night...*shaking head* that's all i have to say. i also got to hear various conservative radio stations talk about the plight of conservatives oppressed by the mainstream liberal orthodoxy. ?

oh my god. i might die if i don't sleep soon. i don't know WHAT i am about to do with this puppy!

so i made the good decision of coming back here to go to work, instead of going to jackson with my cousin Tae to fuck a boy (even though i would have had a free ride and not even had to drive)...i feel better about it now. i talked to him though. he's really cute. not that we talk often but every time we do i like him a lil more. he is like the definition of confidence which is real sexy.

k is looking like mr. lame-o. i promise i think he has a small dick. he just has the personality of someone with a small penis, even though i don't even know what that means and i feel fucked up for reifying the stigma of having a small penis. ok so he acts like someone with a lil dick who is trying to overcompensate for it. there we go.

wow i have diarhhea. sad.

i feel like shannan is gonna be SOOOO annoyed about the puppy. because if i am...she would have to be...

i am contemplating being a bit more selective with sex partners which could result in something like celibacy. but i'm just remembering how sex can still kill you or fuck your life up. so. yeah.

ok children, later.

no offense, but..

2008-09-24T03:22:57Z

jesus is not going to save us...God is not going to save us, obama is not going to save us...

post-work ponderings

2008-09-19T01:45:12Z

i wonder if i'm the descendant of nomadic peoples and my soul is just trying to relive its ancestry blessing me with the destiny to wander about wondering about why i can never sit still in my own skin if i've been walking the same earth for too long, inhaling the same air, seeing the same horizon at the edges of my vision.
the latest past life possibility my mind plays with is that of a desert woman whose life involved saltwater shorelines, following fresh water, cooking fish over open fires, sleeping under the stars...
but we must learn to live in the present. and so. here i am. feeling the most open-hearted that i've felt in so long, feeling like i am finally ready, once again, to give all of me to life and ride its winds and allow them to deposit me in whatever soils will nurture me best.

i'm not sure what is so special about today, i remember after being newly influenced by paulo i consciously tried to identify that moment in each day that held the possibility for my life to change and be better than it was when i awoke. i am back there, looking for the daily small windows of opportunity that will propel my life forward.

i cannot honestly admit that i've let go of all of my fear but i've released so much. i'm not worried anymore.

sad note, this 19 year old got me all fucked up...like oh my goodness...it's this dude on the wire who kinda looks like him--and i just felt all this horniness, lol.

damn man...i think i'm about to buy a pressing comb...i haven't had one in soooo long...and it seems like it's starting to get cooler...

to answer mia's Q

2008-09-11T21:15:32Z

[this is a really bad pic, btw]

it looks like this, more or less

sigh

2008-09-10T20:51:49Z

insert "woe is me" post here.

more racial things

2008-09-09T04:13:48Z

i'm beginning to feel alienated from light-skinned black people, especially females. so often when female black beauty is being described, discussed and displayed (lol michael eric dyson moment), it's light-skinned black women. with features that, if i had to classify, are more european than african or anything else, with hair that is straight to slightly wavy either naturally or chemically, or at the most extremely curly.

and if the prevailing images of black beauty were more varied, i'd be fine with it. but when the spectrum seems so (in my opinion) unrealistically skewed towards the lighter, whiter versions of black women...i feel unrepresented, because i do not see myself in these women. are they beautiful? of course.

are they me? i'm not convinced.

so like due to that, i think my mind puts people like kidada jones, beyonce, alicia keys, tracee ellis ross into some other kind of like "mulata beauty" category.

and then "black women is like anything darker than that".

but then on the other end of the spectrum, you have people like alex wek...i obviously don't really look like her either. but since i see myself black, i feel like i'm in that category more than an alicia keys...b/c to me the beauty that people see in these 'mulatas' is basically the fact that they are as beautiful as white women, with an extra dash of color.

i know that sounds fucked up, i don't wholeheartedly believe this by any means but these are the ideas my mind plays with, and it's my journal, so i'm being honest.

by contrast, i feel like somebody like me...is like version of black beauty, but just a little bit watered down.

i guess this is because i do basically see myself as a displaced and watered down african. soooooooooooooooo i dunno.

wow

2008-09-07T19:15:27Z

and i maintain. i am days away from a miracle. i KNOW that's what it is. there is no other option.

trivality

2008-08-29T15:17:38Z

i have hair envy. don't get me wrong, i love my hair. but i get jealous sometimes that my hair will never do this:

btw, the chica in the picture is esperanza spalding, multilingual jazz singer and bassist, i believe. 23 year old college dropout turned college professor. who has awesome hair.

curly hair care.

2008-08-27T21:40:41Z

my favorite hair products:

this is my absolute favorite, by far

mango butter by elasta QP

pantene conditioner liso y sedoso

(just the oil therapy shine booster)

these are my favorite hair products.

if i want my hair to be its absolute curliest, i condition my hair in the shower and comb through it, let it sit a few minutes then rinse it out. then when i get out the shower, put a coat of leave-in conditioner on and let it dry. that is where the poodle like-curls come from. i generally don't like that look, especially as my hair grows longer.

my hair, when loose, generally looks a little wavier. to do that, i just regularly condition my hair in the shower, don't comb or brush through it, rinse it out, let my hair dry enough so that it's only a little damp, and then put on a small amount of leave-in conditioner.

when i want my hair to be really big and fro-y, i cornrow it overnight and take it out in the morning...the more braids i have, the bigger the hair. the less braids, the more defined the kinks are.

if i want really loose waves (which is never) condition, comb thru curls, put on a lot of leave-in-conditioner, brush my hair into a tight ponytail, put my hair into one braid, let it air dry. with a scarf over my head overnight, and then when i wake up my hair is usually dry and hangs longer.

since i dyed my hair, my hair is SUPER dry. so i almost never use shampoo. i shampoo my hair about once a month, or less. i use conditioner a few times a week, but i wet my hair almost everyday and put on some leave-in conditioner.

ok seriously

2008-08-21T06:52:41Z

can someone. PLEASE. kill colored contacts. like, for real. this is out of fucking control. it's fucking 2008! the novelty is gone! you look like you hate yourself. people please. come the fuck on. just take them all out. assassinate them. they need to die. and please don't have blonde, ratty looking weave or a faker than barbie hair wig and neon green contacts. AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???????????????? AND YOU'RE 25?????????? AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY????????????????

wooooooooooooooooooosaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

oooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

this is why me and facebook are about to breakup. i really want to put my friend's picture up so you can see how ridiculous the shit looks. but i won't. i will settle for the most recent pop celeb to suffer from michael jackson syndrome.

foreal though. am i crazy? is there someone out there who really thinks this shit is cute?

and i'm sad to say i have more than one friend with the green/gray ugly cat eye contacts + unhumanly dyed blonde hair/weave sickness, and not all of them are black. and even more unfortunately, none of them have lil kim money to have professional makeup artists to at least try to work with all the clashing colors and undertones.

and oh my goodness...let me not even start on skin bleach.

:(

2008-07-25T19:10:28Z

i miss my granny so much. thinking of her usually makes me smile, but missing her still makes me cry sometimes. love you granny! and i miss you! happy belated birthday :-)